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I assume that every one close to me knows that we lost our dad last August 28.

I remember the morning I flew in from Singapore. It was Tuesday night when my mom and sister called me to catch the red eye. Me and Gil arrived at the hospital past the hour of five. Dad had been in the ICU since last night. Mom said that he had a hard time with his respirator and was trying to fight the doctors. They had to sedate and restrain him.

ICU’s visiting time is only 10AM-12NN and 7PM-9PM. Mom had to bring some medicines to the ICU so me and Gil had the chance to sneak in. We came in and the nurse was cleaning him up. There was a big tube in his mouth and small IV tubes all over him. His feet and hands were tied to the bed. I was devastated to see him like that. He was half a sleep but he is conscious, so we went in to say hi. He was just moving his eyes and eyebrow to acknowledge us. I wanted to hug him so tight but he looks so fragile with all the thingies connected to him. I had no choice but just to hold his hand and kissed it. There was a big lump in my throat buy I was trying to be cheery. I told him “Suki tayo ng ICU ah!” He just squeezed my hand.

We had to leave the ICU because we were just sneaking in. When I said goodbye, he was holding my hand so tight as if saying “Stay, don’t go!” I told him “Babalik na lang kami later ha…” And he let my hand go.

When I went out of the ICU, I broke down into tears and was sobbing so hard. My knees were weak and had to sit on the visitors’ chairs.

As days went by, he became better. All tubes were removed one at a time. But he was still in the ICU the whole time. On Sunday, all tubes had been removed and he was supposed to have his first oral meal. He was supposed to be moved to a normal room on Monday. He was back to his old self, complaining about how the nurses wouldn’t allow him to sit up by the side of the bed. When I dropped by to visit him that day, he was already allowed to sit in an adult potty. He looks different and he was silent. We remember that when he had his first heart attack in April, he would tell his friends or even us that he knew it wasn’t his time yet. Come to think of it now, maybe he knew that his time was up that day. He requested us to clean him up – I cleaned his ears and mom cut his nails. When I was about to leave at around 11AM for Ate Joan’s turn in the ICU, I gladly said “Yey! I can hug you now, kasi puro hawak and kiss lang sa kamay mo nagagawa ko.”, then I hugged him. And at 2:54PM that afternoon, he was gone forever.

This song reminds me so much of our last moments together. Because of all the IVs and the respirator attached to him during his last few days, I couldn’t do anything but just hold his hand:

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