A Mom Wannabe (Jaycee’s Version)

In line with my previous post, I wanted to share with you my feelings about wanting to be a mother. Since I hit puberty, the idea of having kids never left my mind. When I got married, Gil and I thought of waiting for at least a year before conceiving — just enough time to experience and enjoy married life after our 7 years of boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. On our 1st wedding anniversary, I missed my period for the longest time. I never missed my period EVER.

I was delayed for 1 month but every time I did the pregnancy test, it would be negative. I read in some forums that sometimes it happens that the amount of the hCG in the urine may not be enough to trigger the test to show as positive. So I hoped. We decided to go to the OBGyn to have it checked. It turned out that I was not pregnant but instead my egg cell did not mature for it to break into a period. My heart sank and I was so devastated, I was zombie-walking out of the doctor’s office and even forgot to pay the bill (don’t worry, I realized it a few steps outside the clinic and went back to pay).

Yes, I also want to buy pregnancy kits, which I already did so many times. Those times when my period was late and I had the tiny bit of hope that I maybe pregnant. I wanted to see the + sign but I have not. I had my share of tears every time the result was negative. There were times in the past when seeing a negative result would bring me to tears and left me in depression for some time until my period is missed again.

Yes, I also want to share my good news to friends and post my positive pregnancy test result pics in Facebook, Twitter and Instagram but I don’t have anything to share. I could relate to Marshall and Lily (How I Met Your Mother) and Bill and Giuliana Rancic when they were trying to conceived. I was even using Lily’s words: “Gil Manalo, put a baby in my belly (from Lily’s “Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly”). I cried every time a friend told me they were expecting — both of tears of happiness and a hint of envy. I never knew such feeling of both happiness and envy mixed together existed. Believe me!!!

I wanted to shout to people “I’m pregnant!!!!” but instead I got tired of people asking us “O kelan kayo magbe-baby?” or “Wala pa bang laman yan?”. I got so pissed that I even didn’t want to go to parties because people would ask the same questions. Hello?!? I almost wanted to snapped back to people but we only smiled back instead. If only conceiving were as easy as putting on my panties. I loudly blurted out “WHAT THE FUCK!?!” when Kelly Preston announced she was pregnant at 47 years old. Some relatives even suggested for us to have us checked if there were any “problems” and we did go. Gil is OK, and as my OBGyn said, “habang nireregla ka, may itlog ka. So mabubuntis ka!!! ” She refused to have me tested further. She said that it was too early for us to worry. We were just married for a year during that time.

I wanted my husband to experience talking to my belly. I felt the pain when people jokes to him “Di ka ata marunong e”. My husband, the good person that he is, would just smile back. I was scared that my husband would leave me someday because we cannot have a baby.

Counting the ovulating days in the calendar was a monthly task. Lovemaking had become a routine and wasn’t enjoyable anymore. There was even a time when I wished that there is some kind of a “sperm pill” which I could just swallow every time I was ovulating. I was tired and worn out.

I started to ask questions. I began doubting. I tried to convince myself, that it was not time, that God has a plan. I started to deteriorate. I was like an empty shell — laughing outside but hollow inside. When my husband saw this, he talked to me. He said that the baby is not something that God owes to us. If God will give it to us, then he wants us to have the baby. If not, then we may have other mission in life (like maybe help other children someday). He told me that having a baby is a blessing. And he is right. Just like all other things in life, having a little one is a blessing from God.

Gil assured me that he does not mind spending his life alone with me without a baby. The most important thing is I am healthy. This is again a realization that my husband made me understand. I am diabetic. If I get pregnant, then it is automatically considered a high-risk pregnancy. According to http://emedicine.medscape.com, infants of mothers with preexisting diabetes experience double the risk of serious injury at birth, triple the likelihood of cesarean delivery, and quadruple the incidence of newborn intensive care unit (NICU) admission. In all women with preexisting diabetes mellitus, there is a 9-14% rate of miscarriage. Furthermore, major birth defects occur in 1-2% of the population. I cannot imagine bringing a baby into this world with health problems caused by my diabetic condition. My heart is just too weak for that. My conscience cannot bear that thought that my child will suffer for life because of me.

I can see clearly now. I realized that it’s OK. I don’t cry anymore when I see the first sign of my period every month. I want to go to parties and mingle with people. I just smile sincerely and joke when people ask us why we don’t have a baby yet.

Yes, I also want to be a mom but I want to conceive naturally. Our stand as husband and wife is that we will not try all these scientific procedures. We have nothing against these procedures, but we want the conception to be natural – no IVFs. As what the author of my previous post says, the way God intended. We definitely will not adopt.

We will let God do his plans. He makes all things beautiful, in His time. My faith is strong enough to move mountains. I once told my mother-in-law, “Kung bibigyan po kami ng anak ng Panginoon, kahit po wala akong matres, magkakaanak po kami. (If God were to give us a child, I will conceive even if I don’t have uterus).”

So for now, it’s just me and Gil — just us two.